handicrap

He would be successful. A “credible” fortuneteller told of my fate. It wasn’t my...

Sun, 02 Jun 2013 15:33:40 -0700

He would be successful. A “credible” fortuneteller told of my fate.

It wasn’t my palm which she read but my friend’s; I was just part of the reading. In one of her predictions, the fortuneteller told my friend, “You have two important men in your lives right now… they will be both successful.” The fortuneteller did not explicitly mention my name, but I know I’m very well ranked in my friend’s Important Friends list. Talk about confidence.

(The fortuneteller and I could have been easily best friends if not for the scary part of how she established her credibility. I decided not share it here because I can’t help but feel she has the capability to detect if people talk/think/blog about her.)

When my friend told me about my life forecast, I just carried on my life like I just heard some average news. I didn’t want to look like I didn’t have enough belief in myself! Poker face. But inwardly, I was like, “I knew I’m destined to be a president one day!” Or was it something more modest like, “I knew I was going to be successful in the future!”?

It’s difficult to dismiss such a very positive prediction. Hello, who wouldn’t want to be successful? So since then, it’s become a belief. Not that I wasn’t sure of my capacity and where it can lead me but to get a divine reaffirmation, that’s really something!

It’s been years now since the horoscope was read and the last time I’ve thought/believed it. I only got reminded of it now because I’m faced with a crisis that it once eliminated from my child’s thoughts.

Will I be really successful? If I would, how will I know? Is there some sort of a marker? A tool to measure it?

(I would have included the question whether I can still be a president but who am I kidding?)

How will I be successful? Do I really want to be successful? Does success promise happiness—because I’d really want to be happy more than anything else?

These are just a sampling of the questions gnawing away at me. And another tea-leaf reading wouldn’t reassure me.

Why did I ever decide to be an adult? Oh wait. I actually know why—because that’s what everyone else did.

what you get from night shift

Thu, 15 Nov 2012 11:50:00 -0800

Life has taught me a lesson last night—or that’s how I want to see it. The least person I expect to be teaching me lessons on love and relationships, well, taught me.

Or it wasn’t a lesson at all. Haha. Maybe he just showed me my life story because I needed to see it from other people’s perspective.

This friend of mine, he was sharing to us how frustrating the status of his relationship with a friend is getting. To save us from the painful story, here’s the bottomline: we all agreed he’s been dumped to the friendzone. And he wanted to get out of it. He wants to prove that he can do that. What a fighter.

But then, while he’s laying down his plans, it hit me. Damn it, that’s what I did! I was struggling to prove something that’s why I pushed myself to that one stupid thing. When all was already decidedly hopeless, I still pursued… because (maybe out of pride) I wanted to prove to people, to myself ultimately, that this ‘thing’ is possible and it can happen to me.

Oh, well. I failed—or in the words of our politicians, “dinaya ako”. Fate did not play fair with me. But I’ve accepted it all. I’m already moving on.

“People come and go.”

Reading the past and what could have been's

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 10:47:00 -0700

I wrote a short story last year sometime in December. If you ask me, I’d say it’s yet my best short story. (I only have two finished stories and a dozen of unfinished ones.)

I wrote it for two reasons. One, because the emotions I was dealing with were too much that I had to contain it in words. I would never get rid of it immediately but somehow when I put in on a paper I’d separated it from me. And that helped a lot. Two, I had to capture this one very big event that happened in my life. It ought to get stored somewhere.

Now for the same reasons, I looked back at my past. I stumbled upon this short story—this short story where I am the main character in a not so fictitious setting. I read it in the break of dawn like reading the last pages of a very good book. Before starting, I prepared myself—it had been considerably a long time and I didn’t quite remember the story. I was actually feeling inwardly adventurous because sometimes it’s scary to revisit the past.

I began reading and the words were like lyrics to a song in my adolescence. Silently I said in my head, “Oh yes, I remember now”. My thoughts were singing along to the sad story.

Yes, the story is generally melancholic. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the main character. Not sorry for myself (because I’m that character) but sorry for the character as if it wasn’t me. Like this time I was just a reader trying to imagine the people, the place, the emotions; waiting for the next things to happen, hating the weaknesses of the characters, cheering for my favorite. And like a reader, I hoped for an alternative ending.

It felt weird having to experience that. Did I grow that much? Did I grow that much that my past self seemed like a stranger? Did so many things happened that some parts of the past became gray and blurry?

Oh well. What I know is that I took another action that may cause me to write another short story. Again, to contain the emotions, to capture the moment.

Melancholic or not? I do not know yet.

a new and bigger reach

Thu, 01 Mar 2012 08:54:00 -0800

I was afraid of what people may think and say. Actually, I guess, until now I am still watchful for hateful commentaries and insults, and sometimes even opposing opinions. I am a faint of heart, as one writer said.

Maybe that’s why I convinced myself that I didn’t need an audience. I didn’t need to sell my pieces. If they wanted to read, so be it, but I would never go after them and ask them to stay and read some more. For a long time, I was able to maintain that thinking. But deep inside, I longed for readers, for attention, for appreciation. Yes, some of my friends read my stories and they like them, but still there’s a thirst for a bigger crowd. You know, the satisfaction that will only come from a wider circle of people.

One day, I tried a public blogging site. All I wanted was to share, you know, give it shot. And fortunately, my article was posted. People that I did not know gave comments and threw in praises for my work. I felt a certain satisfaction and happiness that I have never had before.

résumé rumble

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 06:25:14 -0800

You will not survive the résumé rumble if your only weapons are a few bullets of skills and a sharp bachelor’s degree. Or an honorable mention. Or even a Latin honor. A side arm and combat knives—meaning extra-curricular activities and experiences—will always help make your employers see (or trick them into thinking) you’re trained and ready to fight. At this point, are you prepared for the on-job training and practicum quests?

I’m not. I’m a bit pistol and knives short. Well, the first page of my résumé commits redundancy with Dean’s Lister, and reads a shiny, sharp “graduated Cum Laude”. But turn next page, all you see are weak—if not crappy—contents enhanced with flattering active verbs. You don’t know how much I wanted to burn the crap; how desperately I hunted for extra-curricular experiences in a crazy timeframe to put some weight to my résumé.

In my freshman year, I’ve always thought of getting 4.0 in all subjects. No extra-curricular activities, because they can wait until schedules get laxer. They never did. There are no busier years than the succeeding years. Requirements become heavier and heavier. After defeating monster minor subjects, the next thing you know, major subjects are now chewing on your neck. There is no free time; you have to buy it—using prioritization funds.

Freshmen, learn from the mistakes champion. If you’re a come-to-school-go-home buddy like me, better break the habit now. Forget the house midday curfew or afternoon anime. Barge in the organization offices now and make sure to join a club. If you have a career in mind now, choose the organization that will best prepare you for it. If you have no calling yet, at least, follow your interest compass. When you’re finally in, be active. Without compromising your academics, grab as many opportunities as you can. Learn how to be a leader.

“Leadership is better than membership” if you are going to believe the famous college planning books authors, Gen and Kelly Tanabe. Well, I do. I say aim for bigger things; be a leader, be a club president, be the student council president. These titles might as well turn into Cupid arrows and pierce right into your employer’s heart.

Fellow graduating students, let’s not lose hope. I am exploring my options. One of them is taking out dear time from final academic project to join events. Gamble, I know. I may also consider extending a term to have more time to earn credentials. But before you copy my intellectual ideas, evaluate yourself and your standing. Can you do these?

Companies don’t only look at your skills and education. They want to see your sense of leadership and level of involvement. If they have a hundred résumés on their hands, the degree of the applicants is definitely already a common denominator; now what will make you stand out is your non-academic involvement.

Invest in the two traits now while you still can. Use the luxury that I forewent, which I’m now plotting to steal from you. It’s easy to incorporate your membership in your résumé, but there’s no escape from interviews. Be sure you actually did what you include. Be honest with your résumé—but don’t declare your Achilles’ heels.

You may not find my story useful today, but I’m telling you, it may be useless tomorrow.

overwhelmed

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 06:24:25 -0800

Honestly, when I sent my article to Definitely Filipino, all that’s in my mind was to share my opinion, and see if it will pass the admins’ taste. I mean how they say it that they review all articles before posting, it’s given me the impression that it’s hard to be accepted.

I got thrilled when I learned that my article was already scheduled. And it was finally posted, I was overwhelmed with kilig. It’s like seeing your baby being shown in the national television. And those people up there, they are awesome readers. Awesome people even! I didn’t realized that people would actually make time to make comments, agree and disagree with me, and give their own opinions. I mean I don’t do that—I just read. Haha.

Here’s the link to my article.

turning down a job offer

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 07:46:37 -0800

It was my first job offer and I declined it. I let the fat bird fly away because there are fatter fowls on sight. No regrets. Looking forward to a big pair of fried wings on my plate in the future.

this year please

Wed, 15 Feb 2012 09:28:31 -0800

There are hundreds of things that I hope to do or have. Some are difficult to achieve, some are not. Some may happen, some may not. Some may be done all by myself, some might need a little help from others.

And here are some that I really want to happen soon.

1. A successful surprise party for me. It doesn’t have to be big or anything, just a surprise where I should be totally clueless, and will look like a complete idiot because I have no idea and I don’t know what to say and react. Just that. But the person to do this can’t be just anyone. It has to be my closest friends. (I have the guts to share this here because they don’t bother looking at my blog.)

2. Bring my friends to my house in Laguna and spend the weekend there. And in the morning, I’d go up earlier than them to prepare their breakfast. And when they wake up, they would just help themselves to the food.

3. Travel abroad alone. With my camera and journal. I’d appreciate the culture, learn the language, indulge with the local food.

Can all this happen this year, please?

In my dream last night, I brawled with three people: a friend, an acquaintance, and a stranger.

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:37:10 -0800

i used to like Wednesdays a lot

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 10:04:05 -0800

sharp scenes

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 22:26:23 -0800

Weird. In the movies I have watched these past days, I noticed there’s always some men shaving. And they should always be sad and all, like the best time for epiphany to dawn on them is when they’re alone, in front of the mirror, looking at themselves with cream all over their faces and a razor in hand.

But I got to say I learn from their shaving techniques. It’s hard to have a clean and smooth shave, ya know.

Grad gift.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:26:00 -0800

Grad gift.

Green jokes. It's more fun in the MRT.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 05:04:00 -0800

The MRT train this afternoon was particularly deadly. The passengers there are twice as savage and foul-smelling as those in LRT. Or maybe because the cars are smaller and more cramped. Anyhow, I was on my way to an interview in Taguig and I decided to use the train to avoid the bad traffic in the roads.

It’s only second or third time to use MRT so I was being cautious and observant to the movements of the passengers—following them, copying them, and all. I could already tell that the trains would be very packed by the length of the ticket lines. So I climbed to the platform. It’s not hard to notice how fast the crowd of waiting passengers grew. The platform was almost full and the train still had not come. I thought this normally happens as it normally happens in LRT. But boy, when the train came, the people around were no longer human. I was caught in the middle of excited crowd and literally carried me inside the car. Man, the car was twice as packed as in LRT. Everyone was squeezing themselves in and wouldn’t give a damn if they’ve elbowed someone face or stepped on someone’s foot.

Then here comes the funny episode of train ride. There was this lady in front of me who had been shoved several times. She’d become irate and started yelling.

Lady: Walang sakitan! Dahan-dahan naman! Nakakasiko na kayo e.

After some time, the train stops at a station and the doors open.

Lady: O walang magsasakitan a. Dahan-dahan lang.

A man enters and starts shouting.

Man: O siksik pa, siksik pa.

Lady: Masikip na nga, sisiksik pa?

Man: Oo, masarap ang siksikan.

Lady: Ang sikip-sikip na nga. ‘Wag masyadong masikip baka hindi maramdaman ang sarap.

Everyone laughed. And even she snickered a little when she realized what she said. Probably to avoid being embarrassed, she repeated what she said twice so it would appear like it was a joke.

I could have fainted due to the heat, exhaustion, and limited oxygen if not for this funny scandal.

Before she alighted the train, she told us for the last time, “O, baka hindi maramdaman ang sarap. ‘Wag masyadong masikip.”

teacher

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 01:09:39 -0800

While patiently waiting for my dream job to come, I’ve decided to stop developing overweight-ness from sitting in front the computer the whole day. I thought I might make use of my time more wisely like by signing up in the Alternative Learning System (ALS) program in school. Actually, I’ve been meaning to join volunteer work in school but with OJT, FAP, and other stuff before that, I couldn’t find time. But now that I have plenty of it—which all goes to waste—nothing else can get in the way.

When I really think about it now, it may be a good experience and background if ever I pursue my teaching career. (Yes, I want to teach in my alma mater one day.) Win-win game.

Signing up tomorrow. (I might also drop by at the Admissions Office to get a copy of the Prospectus. Haha.)

Look who’s appearing (moody and disinterested) in the...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:37:29 -0800

Look who’s appearing (moody and disinterested) in the Prospectus 2012.

job hunting

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 07:13:00 -0800

It’s nice to know that I’m the first in my batch to graduate. Of course, I am also expected to be the first to get a job, earn money, and treat my friends every time we will meet. What a happy picture. But in order to make that picture a reality, I have to find a job and get employed.

And it’s not easy to land a job. Especially the one you really want. Sometimes, it’s unavailable; sometimes, it just doesn’t sit you.

Right after people learned that I am graduating soon, they started asking if I was already applying. I said yes. In fact, I already had two interviews with HP. No more follow-up calls came, though. In other words, they did not like my skills and competencies. And maybe I should mention that almost all my barkada are already working there.

No pressure.

I also have a prospect job in Unilever—my former boss’ job. I adore his job—the salary and the benefits. Really tempting. He asked me to apply. I’m not sure if he’s sincere in offering it to me or he’s just being nice, but one thing is for sure: he doesn’t think I can handle the job. And I suppose I’m beginning to think that, too. It’s a Sales job, and in that function one has to be good in talking and all that stuff. I’m basically a shy person, believe or not. Now I fear that if ever I got this job (using my only edge which is my experience from internship), I may not perform well and disappoint everyone, including me. Nah, the date of it’s opening is indefinite and possibly not soon, anyway, so some other job might come up before it even becomes available.

Some friends advised me to try other companies. I’ve already thought about it actually but the compensation and benefits in these two companies are way more attractive. I do not want to regret it if another company offered me a job and I took it and suddenly either calls to tell me they’ve got a slot for me.

I don’t feel frustrated yet—and don’t want to reach that point. I guess all I can do now is work my connections and gather all the help I can get from my friends.

Lord, I know you have plans for me. Please, while I have to wait, give me enough strength to be able to get through this. I still believe you would give me the job that I would love and it’s not yet around so I’d have to wait.

I did not post this for nothing. You are still just justifying...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 20:41:00 -0800

I did not post this for nothing.

You are still just justifying heinous glory.

This is the reason why I’ve been away from Tumblr for...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 06:34:00 -0800

This is the reason why I’ve been away from Tumblr for quite a long while.

One day, I randomly thought that maybe I should start doing the honest and uncensored writing. Agree or disagree but you’ve got to admit it. You can’t express yourself well and with all honesty in a place with audience that you feel you are obliged to please and with interest you have to satisfy. So I purchased a blank black notebook and poured into it my daily hopes, angst, fantasies, etc. with great and enthralling bias. I felt good. In fact, whole lot better.

But I’m not saying I don’t miss sharing my opinions to the world. Perhaps that’s also the reason why I’m back. It feels nice every one in a while to have other people see your point (whether it’s true, agreeable, or daft) and extend a response.

independence to the next level?

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:42:28 -0800

This piece was written give or take 8 months ago. I don’t remember now why I never published it. But after stumbling upon it now, I guess it’s worth posting it.

I went to the cinema to watch Scre4m today—alone, spontaneously, and it’s a big deal. Whoever goes to watch movie alone? Not to mention a horror film? It may not seem a big deal but it made me realized one significant thing. I’m an adult now. And it’s not a comforting thing to say. I just feel weird calling myself an adult in a casual conversation.

But honestly that’s how I felt right after getting my ticket from the merry cinema ticket lady. I wasn’t thinking at all. Wait, can we pause here, share my past first, and just go back to my cinema realization later? Alright. So I ask you now if you can recall the very first time you thought or considered yourself independent? Independence, I understand, is broad but it can be in any way? How did it feel? Fulfilling, right, after fear? That’s sure how I felt when I went to college. (That’s the mark when I thought I was already on my own and mostly independent.) I didn’t know anybody in my college and that wasn’t exactly a good thing for a shy person like me. Anyway, let’s skip my little struggles in finding my place in there, accepting the fact that life revolves in the cliche people should step out of their comfort zone, etc. On the lighter note, I learned to be independent. I learned to do things without relying on others—I’m sure you know how independence goes.

Since last week, I had to go to school everyday to begin our FAP user interface for the hotel system (yeah, I kind of try to sound awesome there). The tropical sun being explosively grilling, I have to use the train since then. I would get off at Central Station to ride a bus that passes behind SM Manila. Will you just have one bite from a chocolate bar if the whole thing is free? So I would roam around and see if I would like anything. Window-shopping, in short. So that’s another big deal for me. I never go to mall alone. I don’t like the feeling of walking inside the big box all by myself.

Going back to my story, right after school, I went to SM to buy a shirt. Out of boredom, I decided to take a stroll in the cinema floor. Without thinking (which is very, very unusual of the indecisive me), I went to the ticket counter, asked the movie price, and bought the ticket just like that. As I took the ticket, a lot of things flashed in my head like I was also surprised by what I just did? I felt like there’s going back; I couldn’t return the ticket and get my money back. Just like getting older, it’s not something I control.

I’m just 5 months away from saying my goodbyes with teenage life, after all. And by next year, I’m expecting to get my first (should be high-paying) job. There’s no getting any younger. I’m expected to be adult, to be independent.

Sometimes, you just have to go on with yourself, stop relying on people, stop clinging on their backs. You have to try and explore the unknown on your own, though not necessarily alone. Be strong enough and pack all that courage.

Sometimes, you just got to go to mall on your own, or watch horror films alone.

salvaged photos

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 04:27:39 -0800

Boredom really makes you do many random or crazy things. Like yesterday—I decided to look for my old high school pictures and upload them in Facebook. I thought I was able to make copies into my laptop before the other computer broke (where they are originally stored) but sadly I was not. I was almost grieved and weeping when I remembered I have few of them photos saved in Friendster, and which are now transferred to Multiply. (If you used to have a Friendster account and have saved photo albums, you know what I’m talking about.) My spirit was lifted—but not high enough. I should have known better when the Friendster-to-Multiply transfer happened. Of course, Multiply would not give a hand without making money. And so it made money from me. To be able to download your own photos, you have to upgrade your account, which means a paid subscription. Good thing I still had P100 left in my Paypal. Still, I think it’s a cheap ripoff.

On the happier note, I was able to retrieve my old high school photos and upload them in Facebook. My notification icon has not been quiet since then. Haha.